Parenting with Mindfulness; Moving away from systems of control and into more connection

 

My 5 year-old loves making books, and she recently started writing many of the words herself.  She calls from the living room, "how do you spell..." and I attempt to give her the accurate letters while cooking & cleaning with my 2 year-old attached to my leg.  The other day we had a miscommunication and she wrote an H instead of an R.  She had tried to change it from an H to an R, but didn't like how it looked, and was really upset.  I did what most of us grown-ups do - I tried to console her.  

It looks just fine!  Anybody would know that's an R.  It's ok!  And then we were arguing about whether or not it was, in fact, ok.   I wasn't winning.  

I finally remembered that this is not effective, or wanted, communication, but instead a product of my own anxiety of wanting my child to be happy and easy.  Eek.  Also by overmanaging her "problem", and attempting desperately to help her feel better, I'm sending her the message that I don't think she's competent - not competent to have a problem, feel upset about it, and find a solution.  

Instead, what my daughter wanted was for me to be WITH her while she had this problem.  To hear her.  To trust her.  If I tune in a little farther, I could notice how huge it is that she is mastering writing.  This is a shaky confidence, along with many other little steps of competence as she grows older and becomes a "big kid".  She told me the other day when I asked to try to sleep in her own bed, "sometimes it's scary becoming a big kid."  This was just a little doorway into that vulnerable state.   

So I shifted gears and said, "Yeah, that didn't turn out like you wanted it to."  As an ally.  As her most trusted and loving companion.  And then she went on with her work. 

Again at the breakfast this morning she spilled her bowl of cereal.  With a calming breath and a rag, I joined her at the table while she sobbed.  "Oh dear - here's a cloth.  Yeah, you just chose this outfit and now it's soaked with milk.  And now you don't have as much cereal!  Oh sweetie *hug*" Deep sobs follow.  

Validating, connecting.  That's ALL that an upset kiddo brain wants and needs and can hear in a moment like that.    That's all it took - she was off to change her clothes. 

When she came back, I asked, "How did that happen?"  We were then able to have an easy, calm conversation about how the bowl spilled and how some changes may be in order next time. 

Now don't get me wrong.  I'm no saint.  If this happened for a third day in a row and we were late for school I may not keep my cool.  Kids can be so infuriating. I think that's REALLY important for us to name and validate with each other.   

The problem is just this though:  If we belabor our kids with the information and scolding we WANT to give them, from our adult perspective, it only prolongs their upset, adds a heavy dose of shame, and will result in a break in our connection  And that builds up over time, causing more tension and more battles.    

I wish it worked to just TELL them of the information they seem to be lacking.  I wish they could simply say, "Ok, I won't be angry about this".   I wish all of the systems worked and a sticker chart or a time-out increased the joy and ease my kids and I feel together.  

They just don't. Not long term.  Kids are just little humans, and humans are complex creatures that don't fit neatly into categories and systems.  We don't process the world in straight lines like a machine.  (And that's what makes us beautiful.)

Anytime you are using some kind of behavioral system with your kids, it is much harder to be in relationship and tuned in with your child and the nuance of why they did what they did. You lose the opportunity to see and help your child process what is underneath the behavior.   And we lose the opportunity of connection.  

What can help in the hardest moments of parenting and to avoid the hardest moments?  Listening, connection, relationship.  Mindfulness. 

We can use mindfulness principals to restore and deepen our connection with our children and show them that we are strong enough to handle any of their upsets, can remain present with them, and see their true nature under all of the "gunk".   

Mindfulness at it's core is about observing with non-judgmental awareness.  A curious, open mind.   So before you offer the counter argument for any of this - there are plenty, and there is plenty of nuance, caveats and individual circumstance around this conversation - practice the mindfulness art of waiting and watching and see what you discover. 

• Observe your child's true nature:  Children are naturally loving and cooperative, when there's not something getting in the way.    A lot of life gets in the way of this, such as unresolved hurts, unfelt fear, feeling disconnected or grappling with a big issue that they don't know how to talk about yet (death is a common one around age 3 and 4).  Watch them and listen to them and see what you can learn about their motivations before you make any assumptions.  
  
  
• Listen: Sometimes when a child is unreasonably (it seems) upset about a small thing, a good, cathartic cry will allow them the opportunity to access the real thing that's been bothering them.  Have you ever fallen apart after one last small thing put you over the edge?  It's like that with kids too!  Sit with them and listen as they cry and yell and "tantrum" sometime and see what happens.  Put on the mindfulness tools of curiosity and an open mind.  Stay present.  Don't try to solve anything or distract or end their upset.  Just listen and stay calm and loving.  You can keep boundaries of safety of course while still listening and being WITH your child.   (Learn more about this at www.handinhandparenting.com)
  
  
• Validate: You may not understand why a child (or another adult) is upset, but you can offer the gift of validation.  Gather up all of your empathy, take a breath to calm your nervous system, and practice non-judgmental awareness (simply notice without having an opinion about anything).  For littles, simply repeat back what they've said.  Or if they can't find the words, use your connection and skills of observation to make a guess:  "Are you mad because your sister won't play with you?"  "you so badly wanted some ice cream, but we don't have any, and you're so mad!"  ("How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen" is an incredible and simple book that demonstrates this beautifully.) 
  
  
• Step out of unnecessary conflict (which leads to disconnection): 
  
  
• Encourage connection and more "we" in your home by saying, "let's go brush our teeth" and taking your child's hand to do it together, rather than "go brush your teeth." 
  
  
• When can you tell your child what they ARE allowed to do, instead of always defaulting with what they are not allowed to do?   "You can hit that log over there with that stick. Then there's less chance of you hitting your brother accidentally."
    
• Avoid arguing.  Try to see it from their perspective or just say, "hmm, I wonder."  Kids brains are wired VERY differently than ours.  Just listen and connect.  When it's obvious your child is mistaken, YOU know you're right, so at the very least listen for the sake of amusement. :) 
  
  
• Watch your kids closely and pause before reacting.  Try to see what happened before they did what they did.  Are they really trying to rile you up for no reason or just bug their sibling?   Ask your child why they did what they did, with a neutral tone. 
  
  
• Give them a little more autonomy over their lives wherever possible. They are people too who like to have agency in their own lives. Spot them (hands ready without touching) as they try climbing something big.  Let them wear what they want and take a bath at a strange hour.  Let them use whichever cup they want, even if it doesn't make sense.  Keep your requirements and boundaries for when you really need them. 
  
  
• Notice how many times you unconsciously negate what your child says.  They feel afraid of a dog and we say, "Oh it's a nice dog, you like dogs!".  Your child says, "I'm not hungry," and we say, "You have to eat, how can you not be hungry?"  Your child MAY love dogs, and may actually be hungry indeed.  But in the whole history of arguing, has it ever worked?  Instead, try a question.  Trust them enough to assume there is a good reason behind what they're saying.  "Do you feel nervous about that dog?  Why?"  "Hmm, you're not hungry...  are you thirsty?"  
  
  
• Focus on relationship:  Let yourself rest in the stillness of the center of your being, let out a sigh, and focus on the most important thing - your relationship with your child.  And you are the expert in knowing your child & yourself, so you have great skill here already.  Not too long from now, you won't be able to control them, and all you'll have left is the relationship, which will fill our hearts for the rest of our lives.  Tend it like the precious resource that it is.  And I should say, relationship is a two-way street.  It's not working if you are doing things you don't want to do and feel resentful a lot of the time.  Listen to and validate yourself, along with your child. 

A couple last notes: 

I do not allow children to run amok.  I've been working with kids for 20 years and I am very intentional and solid about the boundaries I set.  My intention here is to demonstrate that with great courage we can begin to trust our children a little more and listen a little better.  From there we will create deeper and more attuned relationship, which will result in MUCH more  cooperation from our children when setting boundaries and trying to get out the door.  

Also, and most importantly, parenting is ridiculously hard.  Kids push ALL of our buttons.  I validate you, and myself, by saying this. We haven't had many effective models or training.  And it's incredibly complex and personal.  Use mindfulness to notice how you are feeling and what you need and stay present and compassionate with that as well.  Let your own deep hurt and congested feelings let loose too - talk or cry with a good listening companion, or vent with a "mind-dump" by writing out all of the ucky things you feel.  You, also, are just trying your best and want connection and love above anything else.   And sometimes some gunk gets in the way.  

My little dumplings, Maggie and Arlo :)  

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